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BAAAADAAAAAAAS S!

From page 11 of Classic Rock Magazine November 1999

Cover of November 1999 issue.

This month's graduates from the Classic Rock School of Attitude, Etiquette and Charm...

Top of the Class: [vol Knievel

Legendary US daredevil turned Internet agony uncle last week casually revealed his '705 plan to jump out of a plane from 30,000 feet over Las Vegas and land in a vast haystack in the Hilton Hotel parking lot. Apparently, it took a restraining order to put him off. Makes the Kiss reunion tour look like an episode of Dawson's Creek in comparison. And all this from a man who spent the better part of 20 years in a white jumpsuit. Unstoppable Eeeveeelllt

2 Whitbread Brewers

Whitbread's Wild Brew' alco-pop features accidental leafy shapes on the bottle.., which the alco-industry regulating body has admitted happen to bear an uncanny resemblance to marijuana. At the time of going to press, Chris Robinson was unavailable for comment Cough.

3 eBag

An internet auction site recently carried an advert for a large mound of 'Pure, Uncut Cocaine'. Rumours that bids starting at $2 million were traced back to something called Keef.com are utterly unfounded...

4 The Melbasa Queen ao Suggestive Howard Stern ' -*.\\,,‘ Show sausage-sucker has taken out a copyright on the name and, more worryingly, the act itself! — "A female holding a long rounded instrument in such way to simulate swallowing said instrument". And that's just what it says on the packet.

5 Philip K Dick

Straight out of newly-released FBI files: the late sci-fi guru and longtime amphetamine freak Dick's letter warning them of the neoNazi covert organisation trying to force him to lace his books with coded info about an incurable strain of syphilis, in order to create mass hysteria.

6 limi Hendrix

Described in the most damning terms by a stuffed shit lawyer in yet another paternity suite: 'He had little time and patience for orderly progressions or enforced schedules, and seemed to live every day as his last, without the prudent plotting of a business tycoon who had at last amassed his fortune'.

No matter how many reunion tours roll out around the country, they just don't make them like that anymore. It's a shame. Sniff.

7 Tommy Lee

Appeared in grubby flasher mac at New York's MTV Video Awards. Wife Pam proceeded to flash his arse at every camera in the place.

Classic Rock says: it's probably a more honest way of earning a living than the current Motley Crfie/Scorpions tour...

8 George Bush

Ex-Pres in cocaine non-denial denial shock. The lock-em-all-up tough-guy now cryptically says he 'hasn't used drugs for seven years'. We do wonder what he meant by that. Time for the seven year itch, maybe?

Could Do Better: Mick Jagger

Currently desperate to woo back Jerry Hall, even sinking so low as to send her a "personal video appeal" along with sickly videotape of all their schmaltziest romantic moments. Hell, he didn't even include a copy of 'Cocksucker Blues'...