100 REASONS WHY THE BEATLES SUCK
From page 126 of Classic Rock Magazine April 2005
100 Without The Beatles, we wouldn’t have The Beatles snob – the guy who thinks they did all there is to do in music.
99 Which they didn’t.
They didn’t fucking rock, for starters.
98 And don’t say: “What about Helter Skelter and Revolution?” Yeah, that’s as close as they get. And Busted rocked harder.
97 Face it: The Beatles were a boy band.
96 They let Ringo near a microphone.
An event that should only happen when he’s talking about Thomas The Tank Engine.
95 And they allowed George to play sitar.
94 On. Every. Bastard.
92 Maxwell’s Silver Hammer. Piss. Off.
91 Buskers. The Beatles armed the fuckers.
90 Without The Beatles, we wouldn’t know Yoko Ono. Like, cheers, John.
89 The Maharishi Mahesh Yogi – as a
spiritual mentor, he’s hardly Aleister Crowley, is he? 88 Mr Cheeky-Chappy Thumbs-Aloft Macca McCartney. Stop being so cheerful, you knob.
87 And apologise for The Frog Chorus while you’re at it.
86 Ever seen anyone
headbanging or pogoing to All You Need Is Love, Penny Lane or I Am The Walrus? Exactly.
85 You can’t even shag to The Beatles. It’d be like doing it in front of your gran.
84 Without lewd lyrics like ‘you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down’ (I Am The Walrus) we wouldn’t have as much teenage pregnancy in the world today.
82 Or Aids.
81 Or that massive hole in the ozone layer.
80 The Help album sleeve where they’re all doing semaphore, but it doesn’t spell anything? Just a crazy idea, but wouldn’t it have been cleverer to, like, spell out ‘H E L P’ or something? 79 The opening chord of A Hard Day’s Night has baffled guitarists for years.
What is it? How can you play it? Who fucking cares? 78 Hey, we’ve got to 78 and haven’t even used the word ‘overrated’ yet. You can never say the word ‘overrated’ too much when it comes to The Beatles 77 Overrated.
75 Overrated. Feels better, doesn’t it? 74 The Kinks. The Small Faces. There’s was more than one great 60s pop band, you know!
73 Herman’s Hermits were better.
72 So were The Move.
71 The Beatles were just Monkees copyists.
70 If you come from Liverpool, everyone always expects you to love The Fab Four. This makes you want to kill.
69 The phrase ‘The Fab Four’. Arrrrrrrgh!
68 Bands at weddings that play Twist And Shout and think they sound like The Beatles, in the Cavern in 1961.
67 They do – shite.
66 And then they do that crazy mop-top head-shake thing. Just stop, alright? 65 Ozzy’s version of In My Life is better than The Beatles’ original.
64 And so is William Shatner’s Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.
63 A famous Napalm Death fan: all-round good bloke and much- lamented DJ John Peel.
A famous Beatles fan: Charles Manson. We rest our case.
62 Mull Of Kintyre.
You’re not even Scottish, man! Piss off or we’ll burn your holiday home down.
61 George Benson Plays Abbey Road.
Trust us. Our Art guy made us listen to it.
60 The Replacements’ Let It Be is better than The Beatles’ Let It Be.
59 They were too scared to release the ‘butchers’ sleeve. Bed-wetters.
58 Lennon once sang, ‘I don’t believe in Beatles/I just believe in me’ (God, by The Plastic Ono Band).
Fella, you’re the expert
– if you don’t believe in ’em, neither do we.
57 The Bootleg Beatles pretty much invented the tribute band, the mail-order rubber doll of the music world.
56 The Bootleg Beatles are boring. The Counterfeit Stones are a hilarious bundle of rock boogaloo. Fact.
55 “The Beatles, after 40 years, still have Satan’s power behind them. Before The Beatles, music was innocent. Music was pure and Christian. The Beatles with ‘pagan skins’ and electric guitars polluted the Earth” – Pastor Rick
Panning. You said it, vicar! Let’s get ’em!
54 They had to have George Martin – the Carol Vorderman of rock – on board to
figure out how to do the stuff they couldn’t.
53 ...In a room full of engineers wearing white lab coats. What do you think this is, A-level biology? 52 They had to get Clapton in to play the solo on While My Guitar Gently Weeps cos they were all crap at the guitar.
51 Crap title, too.
While My Guitar Twats You In The Throat And Drop Kicks You Into The Middle Of Next Week.
That’s much better.
50 They were a bunch of big gaylords. (Er, allegedly. Oh, okay, they weren’t.)
49 At least that woulda made them interesting.
48 The Beatles’ idea of a good album cover: demonstrating road safety by using a zebra crossing. The Chili Peppers’ idea of a good record sleeve: crossing the road naked except for the socks on their cocks. Proper.
47 They learned how to flat-pick from Donovan.
This does not rock.
46 Ob-La-Di, Ob- La-Da. Bastards!
45 In fact the entire White Album. C’mon.
44 Let It Be... Naked, Free As A Bird, Anthology Vol. 1-84... Got any more half-finished demos and out-takes you can foist on us, you money-grabbing bastards? 43 Money can’t buy you love. In that case you won’t want all of that £700 million personal fortune then, Paul? 42 And while we’re at it: George Harrison moaning about the bloody taxman. So you had a bit of tax to pay, you tight arse...
41 “Tell you what, why don’t we sell our publishing to Michael Jackson and get the money now?” Donkeys.
40 If The Beatles had never split up, we would’ve been spared Wings.
39 ‘Semolina pilchard dripping from a dead dog’s eye...’ That’s just nasty. Weirdos.
35-38 One band, four moustaches.
34 Why have Lennon & McCartney when you can have
Simmons & Stanley? 33 Their ‘comedy version’ of Get Back, where the lyrics are changed and a West Indian accent adopted to encourage the repatriation of immigrants. Like, right on, hippy dudes.
30 Their half-witted children, who the entire music industry appear to think are owed a living: Zak Starkey, Julian Lennon and Hari Darjeeling (or whatever it is that George’s kid is called).
29 McCartney on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: rubbish, he was. Dunderhead.
28 At least Nikki Sixx woulda been funny.
27 Spoiling Christmas Day in 1968 when we were all wrestled away from our turkey and stuffing, Dennis The Menace annuals and Man From U.N.C.L. E. replica Lugers to watch Magical Mystery Tour – the most frightful load of old bollocks yet committed to celluloid.
26 Apart from Yellow Submarine, that is.
25 And yes, we know Magical Mystery Tour was actually broadcast on Xmas Day 1967 and not 1968, but it doesn’t make it any less rubbish.
24 And if you spotted that deliberate error, consider yourself a Beatles snob.
22 And therefore The Enemy.
21 No one wrote an academic thesis on the inner meaning of lyrics before Lennon started wittering on about ‘newspaper taxis’ and ‘marshmallow skies’.
20 They kick-started Cilla Black’s career. Worra lorra laffs that’s given us.
19 Bob Dylan introduced them to the joys of spliff.
Outdone by a Yank.
18 Then, like a bunch of pissed-up prefects, they never shut up about how they took drugs, maaan.
17 Bloody hippies.
16 Ringo Starr: leave the glam-rock names to Poison, mate.
15 Did we mention that The Beatles are overrated? 14 Rocky bastard Raccoon.
13 Britpop – that was
12 Eleanor Rigby. Look if you wanna write stories for old ladies, fine. But it doesn’t rock.
11 Can you imagine the crazy shit Lemmy woulda come up with if he hadn’t been a Beatles fan? 10 They’re holding us back!
9 Number 9. Number 9.
Number 9. Number 9.
8... Stop it!
7 WithinYou Without You. Show us the person who actually likes that track and we’ll show you a lying wannabe.
6 They drove Brian Wilson mental.
5 It’s just a matter of time before they get us all.
4 An anagram of The Beatles is Thee Stables.
3 Which is, of course, where Thee Four Horsemen of thee Apocalypse keep their horses.
2 They’re evil, I tell thee!
1 NO ONE CARES WHO THE FUCKING WALRUS WAS!